The Spirit Lives Ministries Newsletter: Tracie- God's words 'Find yourself again. Find me'

February 16, 2003
Tracie- God's words 'Find yourself again. Find me'
My name is Tracie. I accepted Christ into my heart when I was eight years old. I knew that He loved me so much that He died for me and that by believing in Him and trusting His promises I would be saved and go to heaven. As I grew, I continued to be strong in my faith of salvation, but learning to live a Christ-like life became harder and harder. As a teen, I became involved with a boy that I met at church, but gradually I became less aware of God and more aware of this boy. Christ continued to live in me and the Holy Spirit continued to speak to me, but I began to not want to listen. By ignoring what I had been taught at church and turning my back to the Holy Spirit’s guidance, I surpressed not only Christ’s influence on my life, but my true self as well. Since Jesus had designed me for a purpose and I was ignoring that purpose, I was slowly giving up who I was for this earthly relationship.

Needless to say my spiritual relationship suffered incredibly. I forgot that I was special, created by God. Eventually I lost who I was and didn’t have any idea even why I was on this planet. But one day I had an epiphany. God told me that I needed to get out of that relationship to save my life - literally. I had just been the ’walking dead’ for years. Already, I was dead inside, but I was scared to break out of my cocoon. It was a bad cocoon, but it was mine. The world that I had known for four years revolved around this man. Where would I go? What would I do? I could almost hear God’s reply audibly: “Find yourself again. Find me.”

Breaking away wasn’t a pretty sight. It was like some gross perversion of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. I was bound in a chrysalis of self-loathing - a blackened ruinous prison of insecurity and emotional abuse. Even the emerging creature was deformed - I felt wet, naked, cold, vulnerable, and definitely unable to fly. I was not entirely a new being. My new housing felt strange and unaccustomed, but it seemed vaguely familiar. I realized that it was the self-in-Christ that I denied so long ago. It had been there waiting patiently under layers of sin. I didn’t quite feel like it fit anymore, and it really didn’t. I knew that I had to grow as a person - to grow back into Christ’s will for my life. I remember the Spirit’s words: “Find me.”

I will not say the road has been easy since then. I have taken many turns off the path in my selfish, stubborn humanity. I explored many nooks and crannies that I should not have, just to make sure God really wasn’t there. But what I did find was a deep and true desire to know Him, and to hear Him, then to follow Him, then to serve Him. I am far from perfect yet (that is probably why I am still here!), but everyday I am renewed by His love for me and His gifts to me - a hug in the breeze, a smile in the stars, a laugh in the falling water. And I realize how blind I was when I needed to find Him, because he was right beside me all along.
[PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION]

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