It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1.      Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2.      While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3.      Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

4.      Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

5.      While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

6.      Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

7.      Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

8.      Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

9.      Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

10.  Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

5 things to say about gifts you don't like

1. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

2. I really don't deserve this. Really.

3. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

5. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.