Like many other "techies," about a year ago I was thrust into the job market by my former employer of 14 years. Economic conditions required drastic cutbacks and my position was eliminated. After recovering from the initial shock, I began the process of looking for a new career opportunity.

Dr. Evelyn M. DeLiso

I was woefully unprepared for job-hunting and interviewing. I had not been on an interview for 15 years. Previous job hunts were undertaken after completing a degree at school. I had never had the experience of looking for a new position in a really competitive job market. I tried to prepare myself by attending all the classes offered by the outplacement facility. Six months into the process, I finally landed an interview.

During the course of the interview for a position I very much wanted, I was asked, "What are you proudest of in your career?" My first reaction was that I am not proud of anything. Proud is not an emotion I spend a lot of time feeling. On the contrary, I am usually, when left to my own devices, beating myself up for not doing this or saying that. Also, having attended all those outplacement classes on how to write your resume and how to interview, I had been trained that I would not make any disparaging remarks about my former employer and that I would appear confident but humble. So, obviously, proud is the opposite of humble. I was caught tongue-tied. My response to this question at the time was, "Proud is not an emotion that I spend a lot of time in." And I never did answer that question satisfactorily for my questioner. Of course, what followed over the next few days was a lot of soul searching. I must have felt proud at some point. How had I completely suppressed proud? My unconscious began to go to work. I continued to reflect upon the question that I had not been able to answer at that particular moment during the interview.

I have always been a person who is needy for attention. I won't go into the fact that my younger brother was born 11 months after I was, thus depriving me of attention during infancy. Or that my mother spent a lot of my growing-up years in depression, sometimes severe. As my primary career giver, I did not get the attention my little heart desired from depressed Mom. Or that the early years of my working life were spent as a performer where I had the audience applause to fulfill that need. No, I won't go into all of that. My thoughts took me to the final conclusion that I felt most proud when I received recognition for my work.

Ah, yes, a clue!

So what was it I felt most proud of during my working career? It was typically the first time I accomplished a goal which had not been achieved before. When I felt myself striving to reach a challenging goal just beyond what I thought I was capable of doing. Then, I did it. Yes! What followed was a wonderful expansive feeling of having grown and stretched, and achieved a new level of ability and awareness.

Today, I practice appearing confident even though I don't really feel it deep down inside. I fake it. And I remind myself to focus my concentration on the fact that even though I don't think I can do it, I always manage to do it. Someday, I believe I will find my new career opportunity!