I used to eat a lot of natural foods
until I learned that a lot of people die of natural causes.
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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Get the last word in: Apologize.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?