The best excuses from anguished English.  

• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football and got hurt in his growing part.
• Please excuse Ray from School. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Please excuse... Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Dear School: Please eckuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.

All quotes from Anquished English, Richard Lederer. Copyright 1990, Laurel Publishers.